Turkey and Shit

Thanksgiving is fast approaching and along with it comes a few extra pounds and so much fucking gravy. Nothing upsets me more than the sounds of sloshing (which lots of Thanksgiving food does) but there is really a quiet elegance to consuming that much food in such a short amount of time.

Thanksgiving at my house is very different than your standard white-bread TV Thanksgiving because we came to a consensus as a family that Thanksgiving food is "fucking gay" (my words) and "Unimaginative and antiquated" (my little sister's words). So we do Thanksgiving OUR WAY.

You could probably shit up some rhetoric about how we have "made Thanksgiving reflective of our immigrant experience, blending our unique cultural heritage with a time-honored American tradition," but honestly I think it's all about finding an excuse to bust out our deep-fryer.

Here's a breakdown of the staple dishes we eat at Thanksgiving. Hopefully I'll have pictures up next weekend of the gastronomic massacre.

1. not turkey

When I was a kid (6 years old), the Rim family hadn't celebrated Thanksgiving yet. When it came up in school, I just thought it was some Catholic thing like Easter because my early education was administered by a legion of stern Asian nuns. However, once I found out that American society had dedicated an ENTIRE FUCKING DAY to overeating, I wanted in bad.

I wanted turkey. Did you ever do that lame ass thing where you drew around your hand and turned it into a turkey? I did. Many times. I wanted it. I wanted to eat it. It's a common theme in my life. If I want it, I probably also want it in my mouth. ZING! lol

Anyway, I asked my mom to make a turkey. She made everything else, so why hadn't she ever made turkey? How come we never did things like other American families?

"Chicken is better," she said. And my dad nodded in agreement.

She said this with the cold, judgmental face reserved for the underperforming children of her peers and women who showed too much boob. But I later found out that they had eaten Turkey many times at her friend Ganel's house, a large and extremely friendly Black woman who worked with my mom and later taught me the basics of tax evasion. They absolutely hated the turkey. But they liked the "The Black stuff," which I thought was terribly racist until I found out they were referring to black-eyed peas.

So, on Thanksgiving day, I was greeted by a large plate of fried chicken. I cried. I know, I know "shut up you stupid brat." I grudgingly ate the chicken, which was delicious, but tasted like defeat. I realized later in life, many turkeys later in various contexts, that my mother was right all along. Turkey is fucking gross. NEEDS MORE HAM!

And then we started going to my uncle's house for Thanksgiving, where he'd scare us by saying that he shot the turkey himself. It turned out to be true. Koreans don't fuck around about the harsh realities of life. That turkey isn't that bad. I guess when there's still a bit of fear left in the animal, it tastes that much better.

2. Kalbi - Korean-style short ribs! A post is coming up soon about this delicious, delicious stuff.

3. Fried Sweet Potatoes - Check this out: you take sweet potatoes, cook them in a frying pan with loads of brown sugar and them BAM you had things that look like turds but taste like Jesus.

4. Sushi Rolls! Except not with fish-with vegetables. And if you argue that sushi needs to have fish to actually be sushi, then suck my dick. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sushi <---Here, educate yourself.

Other stuff too. Here's what the menu this year looks like: Fried Chicken, Fried Sweet Potato, Sushi Rolls, Kalbi, Potato Croquettes, Kimchi, Lots of fried rice and regular rice, sweet potato cake, sweet iced rice drink, glass noodles with veggies, pickled radish, half-moon rice cakes, stuffing, and NO GRAVY. JIZZ.

So here's a recipe for NOT TURKEY:

Ingredients:
Not a turkey
Fried Chicken

Directions
1. Do not make a turkey
2. Make fried chicken