Sunday, November 21, 2010

Rice and Shit

Billions of people across the world agree, rice is good shit. A short post on rice and why it's great.

What makes rice great?
1. If you're lazy as balls like my dad and just want carbs, just eat rice with sauce. Once we had a "guys night" when my mom went to Maryland and we watched Korean War movies and ate rice with sauce on it and maybe downloaded a trial version of Starcraft.

2. It keeps in all temperatures. This is useful when you live on a mountain or some shit like Tibetans(?)

3. If you're in the mood for a thousand of something, rice hits the spot. Sometimes I'm in the mood for a thousand ice creams, but there are lots of metaphysical and logistical problems with such untamed desire.

Rice also comes in many forms, like a final video game boss or racism. It's an incredibly versatile food:

1. Rice Balls
Rice balls are great because they're portable, quick, and can hide unpleasant surprises for your enemies. My mom tells a great story about the time my dad forgot to pick her up from work so she put bananas and mayo in a rice ball she packed for him.

me: so what happened?
mom: he threw up! HAHAHAHA

Always check yourself and your rice balls before you bite into them. Apparently during the Edo Period, a powerful shogun was assassinated via poisonous riceball prepared by a beautiful geisha-ninja. I also apparently just made this up lol.

2. Congee
There's a great place in Flushing, NY where you sit down and the Chinese waitresses very angrily ask you what you want and then less than five minutes later, a steaming bowl of savory and meaty congee is presented to you. Why are they so angry?!

3. Rice cake
Rice cake is the best fucking kind of cake, even though I pretend to love all cakes equally. To make them, you grind up rice, add hot water, mix, and BAM! None of that cream the butter preheat the oven 350 degrees bullshit. Making rice cakes with my mom was always fun, because those sessions were often much less confrontational because it's actually kind of a stressful process.

We like to press edible flowers into our rice cakes, so that when they cook, they get somewhat engulfed by the glutenous mass but are still visible through the translucent dough. Sometimes we don't use edible flowers and use petals from the flowers of hospital rooms of dead people (my mom is a nurse). I don't eat these. My mom's argument is that dead people can't enjoy flowers, which is true, but like other things she says, misses the point.

4. Noodles
Rice can be turned into noodles. I have yet to see this magical process at work, but I expect it involves a great deal of shamanistic ritual and animist woop-de-wooping.

I love making rice balls with my mom. Mostly because then I can actually see what goes in them. Sometimes what my mom likes to call "surprises" are actually absolutely horrifying and extremely strange.

me: Mom, WHAT THE HELL IS IN THIS?
mom: JOLLY RANCHER SURPRISE!!!!!

Anyways, here is a quick recipe for rice balls and some really great fillings and toppings you can put on them.

Ingredients:
Cooked steamed rice
Rice Vinegar
Dried Seaweed (nori)

utensils:
bowl
rice cooker
fan
wooden spoon/rice paddle

So take out the hot steamed rice from the rice cooker. To get the best rice for this, use a little less water than you normally would so the rice comes out a little drier. Then quickly pour the rice vinegar over the rice and mix with the paddle very quickly in chopping motions, stirring constantly.

It helps to have a helper with a fan nearby, fanning the rice as you mix and turn it. This will help the rice cool much faster and help you get even coverage over the rice.

Set aside a bowl of water and put in some salt. Or, if you have sesame oil, put that aside. Cover your hands with some of this water or oil and then get ready for shit to go down.

When the rice is sufficiently cooled, take a handful of it and form it into any shape you want. The traditional shape is a triangle, but balls and cylinders also work. Set them aside. If at this point, you want to put in the filling, it is a good time to do so.

Cut out strips of seaweed with scissors or a knife and wrap them around the rice balls as you see fit. Then you can cover them with sesame seeds, or seaweed flakes, or whatever you want. I sometimes like to roll them in hot chili powder!

Take time to experiment! Remember, it's not rocket science-it's a fucking ball of rice.

2 comments:

  1. I think "Rice also comes in many forms, like a final video game boss or racism" is my new favorite Joe Rim line. Also, I'm a little scared of your mom now.

    On a practical note, do you have any tips for making rice balls with filling, or for what the filling should be if you're not trying to kill someone?

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  2. Hey Adrienne! A good filling is tuna with a little bit of mayo, short rib, chicken, and generally a little bit of meat. Other fillings should generally be a little wet and easy to clump into a ball.

    To make rice balls with filling, I would start out with flattening out the rice into a pancake shape onto your hand, putting the the filling in, and then folding the rice over. It should stay inside - just don't use too much filling!

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